I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
