I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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