the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.