Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
