when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Sext me about skeletons