1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
