I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
