My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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