he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
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