Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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