I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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