I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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