Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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