your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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