and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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