I CAN MOONWALK!
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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