I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
