If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
