She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
