i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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