Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
