yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
