you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
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Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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