I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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