if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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