That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
