nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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