I hate your face
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
