last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm too high and old for this...
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
