Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
