I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
