Just fell off a train. Bad.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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