Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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