my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
