mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
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its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
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The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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