It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
