So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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