im having a threesome with these popsicles
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
