did you get engaged???
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
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Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
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I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize