My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
