when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Randomize
