It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
