I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
It's like God shit irony all over that family
even my farts smell like vagina
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
