i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
