Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since