In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
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Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
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He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry