I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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