My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
