i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
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