Just cropdusted the office
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
