It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
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I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?