my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.