And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.