I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
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the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
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After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!