it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.