She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
