It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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