"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
