I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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