I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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