fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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