The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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